writing this in my macbook’s document editing app because I don’t have my diary page done yet, or maybe I should just always write here, idk yet. Welcome to my diary page, obviously I’m not gonna be including anything that personal or anything that can be “used against me”, it’s just going to be random things on my mind mostly. I’m also going to try to use correct grammar and spelling. No I don't want sympathy for what I write here LOL, it's just a brain dump. But please still try to be respectful!

The main thing I’m thinking about right now is, do I feel guilty and horrible because I’m so rude? I think the answer is yes – when I was 13 I tried my hardest to be kind and pleasant because I was psychotic, Now I’m 16 and I feel like I’m at my rudest. I need to fix myself, it makes me sad and feel as if I made no progress since i was 13 years old. I often find myself talking bad about completely harmless things, and even my own friends which is absolutely disgusting and I am so insanely ashamed because of it. I don’t know how to stop, I never acted like this before i backslid, Now I feel like I’m taking everything for granted. My instagram being suspended was god telling me to step in line, I understood that directly, got the account back and still, I haven’t yet. Of course, I’ll always be forgiven but that’s also taking things for granted – I can’t live my life under the premise that “I’ll always be forgiven” because one day I won’t be forgiven. One day my friends will have enough of me, one day that suspension will be permanent, one day I’ll be imprisoned because I’ll have been so lenient with myself and given myself one too many chances – that’s how abusers are born. It starts little and gets worse and worse. I never want to be like that.

I have recently realised my hatred and meanness has caused me to feel as if i deserve everything bad that has came for me, I’ve felt this way for most of my life and only just realised it. I haven’t been trying to do my best for a while now, but if I do I think I can shake this feeling just a bit, just like how I did back when I was 13. Back in January, when I was recieving rape threats, I started self-harming again, not because I was scared of the possibility, but because I thought I deserved it. Due to the fact i had erotomania, I was really out of touch with who I was as a person, this lead me to develop the strong belief that I had been acting in such foul ways that in turn resulted in me deserving [to be raped]. I could never really put my finger on what I had done, I just know it made me hate myself a lot and I have never really felt better since – I want to work on that. By being kinder I think I can regain my confidence.

By knowing i truly have not done anything wrong, I think I can start feeling a lot better about myself.

I was checking my story archive from November earlier, I saw some things that I shouldn’t have said but obviously because of my poor headspace [mentioned previously] I wasn’t really aware of just how vulgar the things I was saying really were. My past actions don’t really bother me that much anymore, I don’t want to repeat the whole “I can always apologise logic I disagreed with in paragraph 2 but, I truly can always just apologise since I don’t do any of those things anymore. The first step of doing better is stopping doing harmful things at all – there’s no point apologising if you haven’t even stopped doing it. Despite me not caring much about my past, sometimes I do feel a little weighed down, I feel as if people are holding how I act against me. Really, they kind of have a right to do that, but it can just be so humiliating being reminded of past mistakes whenever you’re trying to make progress – but thats the thing, make progress so large that it feels insane for people to even label what you said or did as something you said or did. There’s obviously no undo button with words, but you should make the type of progress where you can say “damn, I used to be fucking weird. I’m so glad I’m not like that anymore.” That’s what I used to do anyway.

Sometimes I can’t tell if I’m actually mean or if people are just scared of me.

BUT HEY maybe I’ll relapse in a week and think this is all a bunch of bullshit. Does anyone know any easy methods to add a html diary to their neocities? I’ll watch a youtube video.

Signed Sunday June 21st 2026 at 11:10pm